Estranged

Hello, folks. I haven’t been around here in a while. Between work, vacationing in Montreal and Ottawa (it was fun seeing friends and family), and a little bit of leisure, I did not take much time to organize my thoughts and put them down here. I will try to get to it more often in the weeks to come.

Last weekend, I watched the movie "Taxi Driver" once again, after buying it on DVD. I have seen it a few times before and I will probably see it time and time again until I kick the proverbial bucket down the line. It remains one of my favourite films of all time.

This time around, though, different thoughts have occurred to me while I was watching. It is kind of weird, but I started feeling some compassion for the character played by Robert De Niro, Travis Bickle. It was as if I could see a little of myself in his feeling of alienation from society. Then, it brought me back to my reading of Albert Camus’ book, L’Étranger (The Stranger),a book with a main character sharing that same feeling of being estranged from the rest of the world.

Wether it is with family, co-workers or complete strangers, I often feel alone in my little world. I start feeling like nobody really cares anyways and I pull back; I go back into my thoughts and share as little as possible about it. Even within my own family, I sometimes feel like I don’t belong there, like I am at odds with everyone else, like I don’t relate, like they don’t understand. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family very much, I just feel like I am too different. My wife fits much better within their group. She is such a sociable person anyways, she is outwardly, outspoken and extroverted. Not me. With her family? Forget about it. I feel even more like an alien. I love them, I like to think they love me...I am just on a different beat. At work, it is pretty much the same. I do not fit within the group, I do not blend in.

Now, unlike Travis Bickle and unlike the main character in Camus’ book, I am not a violent person. In moments of frustration, certain images can pop up in my head. But, I would never act upon it. Sometimes, I could be talking to someone I don’t particularly like or someone who bores me. I look like I am listening intently, but, in my head, I am thinking stuff like: From here, I could punch that person’s lights out right now. I would never do it, I don’t even say anything nasty. After all, as alienated as I may feel from the rest of the world, I don’t like hurting other people or hurting their feelings. So, I just breathe and calm myself down.

That being said, you all may think I am weird. So be it. I feel so alone sometimes in my thoughts, but I don’t feel like living a lie. So, here it is: a little part of me, an outsider in this world where we would like everyone to fit in nicely, like little pieces in a puzzle. I am sorry to say I am a bizarrely shaped piece who only fits in his wife’s heart. She loves me and saves me daily, and that is all that matters to me. She thinks I am beautiful. I don’t see it for myself, but who am I to argue anyways. She is the beholder, I will do my best to find that beauty of mine in her eyes and go on with my life.

Cheers and later, folks.