Death wish not granted

I’m back, and let’s hope I can update this thing on a more regular basis in the weeks and months to come. I also make the wish that I can start this 34th year of my life on a better footing, both mentally and physically. It will come as a surprise to no one that changes are necessary.

Yes, it was my birthday today. I am now 34 years old. For me, that is the last of two very weird but nonetheless important milestones in my life. To most people, the round numbers are the milestones. The big 3-0, the big 4-0, the big 5-0, and so on and so forth, are the major ones. Alas, I am not like most folks. For me, it was 27 and 33, the ages at which so many of my idols died. Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix all kicked the proverbial bucket at the age of 27. As for the age of 33, it is related to the demise of John Belushi, Chris Farley and Bon Scott. So, for clowns and for poets, these are significant milestones. For a PoeticClown, even more so.

Years ago, I was talking to a friend of mine and discussing my way of looking at the future. That person took me by surprise when she asked me if I had a death wish. I had never looked at it that way and I didn’t quite know what to answer to that. Recently, as I was about to outlive all of these heroes of mine, I started to think about that question again. Maybe I did have a death wish. I never really made any serious attempt to end my own existence. That being said, I sure did push it to the max with excesses of food and booze. Over the years, I have stretched out the limits of what one body can take. I sure can feel the effects of that today. Thankfully, I have never done drugs. I never did, not because I am against it but because I know I would probably enjoy that too. So, I refrained from adding that problem to the list. I know me and my addictive personality. I have pushed the envelope so to speak, but I managed to survive. Just like I did when I was born, I beat the odds.

As I look to the future now, having outlived all these all-time greats, I am thinking that other models could be added to my list. People who lived a full life, to the beat of their own drums, and managed to make it quite far. I am thinking of comedian George Carlin, who made it to his 70’s despite a long life of pushing it. There is also Jack Nicholson, my all-time favourite actor. He just turned 74and he’s still going. I’ll never attain the pinnacle of success they have reached, but maybe there are more good things on my path that I can accomplish before I check out. Alongside the love of my life, I could see the world. I could publish my book. I could witness so many things and be an important part of some of it.

As for now, I am not quite sure what the beat of my own drum will be. As I look for this new path, I’ll try to keep all of you posted. That death wish of mine was not granted, and, for better or for worse (depending on your opinion of me), let’s hope I can make the best of it.

A thousand kisses deep

This weekend, I watched a Leonard Cohen concert on DVD. I didn't know that much about the artist he his before I started and I was pleasantly surprised. He is a great poet. Here is one poem he read and that really struck a chord with me.

A Thousand Kisses Deep

You came to me this morning
And you handled me like meat.
You´d have to live alone to know
How good that feels, how sweet.
My mirror twin, my next of kin,
I´d know you in my sleep.
And who but you would take me in
A thousand kisses deep?

I loved you when you opened
Like a lily to the heat.
I´m just another snowman
Standing in the rain and sleet,
Who loved you with his frozen love
His second-hand physique -
With all he is, and all he was
A thousand kisses deep.

All soaked in sex,
and pressed againstThe limits of the sea:
I saw there were no oceans left
For scavengers like me.
We made it to the forward deck
I blessed our remnant fleet -
And then consented to be wrecked
A thousand kisses deep.

I know you had to lie to me,
I know you had to cheat.
But the Means no longer guarantee
The Virtue in Deceit.
That truth is bent, that beauty spent,
That style is obsolete -
Ever since the Holy Spirit went
A thousand kisses deep.

(So what about this Inner Light
That´s boundless and unique?
I´m slouching through another night
A thousand kisses deep.)

I´m turning tricks; I´m getting fixed,
I´m back on Boogie Street.
I tried to quit the business -
Hey, I´m lazy and I´m weak.
But sometimes when the night is slow,
The wretched and the meek,
We gather up our hearts and go
A thousand kisses deep.

(And fragrant is the thought of you,
The file on you complete -
Except what we forgot to do
A thousand kisses deep.)

The ponies run, the girls are young,
The odds are there to beat.
You win a while, and then it´s done -
Your little winning streak.
And summoned now to deal
With your invincible defeat,
You live your life as if it´s real
A thousand kisses deep.

(I jammed with Diz and Dante -
I did not have their sweep -
But once or twice, they let me play
A thousand kisses deep.)

And I´m still working with the wine,
Still dancing cheek to cheek.
The band is playing "Auld Lang Syne" -
The heart will not retreat.
And maybe I had miles to drive,
And promises to keep -
You ditch it all to stay alive
A thousand kisses deep.

And now you are the Angel Death
And now the Paraclete;
And now you are the Savior's Breath
And now the Belsen heap.
No turning from the threat of love,
No transcendental leap -
As witnessed here in time and blood
A thousand kisses deep.

Salut son père

Salut tout le monde,

Je sais que je ne vous écris pas assez souvent. Pleins d'émotions se brassent au fond de moi et je trouverai peut-être le moyen un jour de vous raconter tout ça.

Pour le moment, allons-y pour du plus léger.

Tout récemment, j'ai décidé de changer de look. Après plusieurs années à afficher une barbiche que je trimmais mais gardait toujours, j'ai opté pour un visage sans poil. Quel choc! Il y a longtemps que je ne m'étais pas vu le visage de cette façon. C'est fou ce qu'un peu de poil peut changer l'allure d'une personne. Après le fait, j'ai vu mon père dans mon miroir...La ressemblance est encore plus frappante. Faudra s'en parler plus tard de ça.

Voici des photos avant et après

Un peu de poésie

Malgré le fait que mon blog se nomme PoeticClown, je n'ai pas publié beaucoup de poésie ici. Remédions à ça immédiatement. Voici un texte que j'ai écrit très rapidement hier soir. L'inspiration se passe ainsi pour moi. Les mots arrivent rapidement dans ma tête et déboulent ensuite sur papier.

Au féminin (en chaleur)

La vie
La folie
La détresse
La tendresse
La délivrance
La déchéance

L'ivresse
est une femme en chaleur
Qui vous montre ses fesses
et vous verse ses douceurs.

L'ébriété
est une tentatrice chaude
Dont la chatte griffée
ne jamais s'échaude

La mort
est une sorcière en veille
Qui nous attend aux abords
D'une nuit sans réveil

La déchéance
La délivrance
La tendresse
La détresse
La folie
La ...

Free-floating hostility 2

Once again, it is time for me to share some major psychotic hatreds, George Carlin style. No rhyme or reason, just a list of items that irritate me, annoy me or piss me off. Here we go:

Spittoons, please: Am I the only one who don’t understand these guys who feel the urge to spit on the ground while walking around town? Is this supposed to be a sign of virility or something? I don’t get it. Hey guys, keep your loogies for yourselves or for the privacy of your own home. And, watch for the gushes of wind...

You ain’t fat: What is it with beautiful girls who consider themselves fat when they are very far from it? I am not talking of eating disorders here. They clearly eat, but they complain constantly about the need to exercise more and eat less to lose an ass they don’t have in the first place. "Look, dear, you should get that thing slapped a few times for calling it fat when it ain’t. You are beautiful, quite the belly-aching".

Pardon my eyes: I have a beef with these women who dress provocatively and then complain that you don’t look them in the eyes. Look, honey, if you flaunt it, I will look. I am not a psycho and I would not touch without permission. But, god damn it, I will look. If I were to walk around town with my balls hanging out, not too many of you would look at my bald spot.

Pick one: I truly hate road construction. I understand it is necessary, but why does the city of Fredericton feel the need to fix every street at the same time, making the ride back home at night a pain in my fat ass. Hey, pick a street, stick to it, and - oh I don’t know - finish it before moving on to another one!

Estranged

Hello, folks. I haven’t been around here in a while. Between work, vacationing in Montreal and Ottawa (it was fun seeing friends and family), and a little bit of leisure, I did not take much time to organize my thoughts and put them down here. I will try to get to it more often in the weeks to come.

Last weekend, I watched the movie "Taxi Driver" once again, after buying it on DVD. I have seen it a few times before and I will probably see it time and time again until I kick the proverbial bucket down the line. It remains one of my favourite films of all time.

This time around, though, different thoughts have occurred to me while I was watching. It is kind of weird, but I started feeling some compassion for the character played by Robert De Niro, Travis Bickle. It was as if I could see a little of myself in his feeling of alienation from society. Then, it brought me back to my reading of Albert Camus’ book, L’Étranger (The Stranger),a book with a main character sharing that same feeling of being estranged from the rest of the world.

Wether it is with family, co-workers or complete strangers, I often feel alone in my little world. I start feeling like nobody really cares anyways and I pull back; I go back into my thoughts and share as little as possible about it. Even within my own family, I sometimes feel like I don’t belong there, like I am at odds with everyone else, like I don’t relate, like they don’t understand. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family very much, I just feel like I am too different. My wife fits much better within their group. She is such a sociable person anyways, she is outwardly, outspoken and extroverted. Not me. With her family? Forget about it. I feel even more like an alien. I love them, I like to think they love me...I am just on a different beat. At work, it is pretty much the same. I do not fit within the group, I do not blend in.

Now, unlike Travis Bickle and unlike the main character in Camus’ book, I am not a violent person. In moments of frustration, certain images can pop up in my head. But, I would never act upon it. Sometimes, I could be talking to someone I don’t particularly like or someone who bores me. I look like I am listening intently, but, in my head, I am thinking stuff like: From here, I could punch that person’s lights out right now. I would never do it, I don’t even say anything nasty. After all, as alienated as I may feel from the rest of the world, I don’t like hurting other people or hurting their feelings. So, I just breathe and calm myself down.

That being said, you all may think I am weird. So be it. I feel so alone sometimes in my thoughts, but I don’t feel like living a lie. So, here it is: a little part of me, an outsider in this world where we would like everyone to fit in nicely, like little pieces in a puzzle. I am sorry to say I am a bizarrely shaped piece who only fits in his wife’s heart. She loves me and saves me daily, and that is all that matters to me. She thinks I am beautiful. I don’t see it for myself, but who am I to argue anyways. She is the beholder, I will do my best to find that beauty of mine in her eyes and go on with my life.

Cheers and later, folks.

Vengeance

Hier soir, j’ai visionné le film québécois "Les sept jours du Talion". Quel film intense. Voici un bref synopsis : La vie des Hamel se retrouve bouleversée un jour lorsque leur fille de 8 ans est violée et tuée. Un homme est arrêté, mais M. Hamel a d’autres plans pour l’accusé. Il entreprend de kidnapper le présumé tueur et de le torturer pendant sept jours.

Vous l’aurez deviné, ce n’est pas un film très jojo. Cela dit, c’est tellement bien joué, surtout de la part de Claude Legault, qui joue le père qui se sent coupable et croit en devoir une à sa fille. On sent très bien sa peine et sa rage dans tout ça, on en vient même presque à l’appuyer dans sa démarche à un moment donné.

C’est le genre de film qui suscite toujours des questions dans ma tête. Que ferais-je dans une situation pareille. Je ne veux même pas imaginer ce que ce serait de perdre ma femme ainsi ou bien les enfants que j’aurai peut-être un jour. Je ne peux pas dire de façon définitive quelle serait ma réaction, on ne peut le savoir pour sûr sans l’avoir vécu. Cela dit, il ne fait aucun doute dans mon esprit que je pourrais facilement perdre la tête. Je ne sais pas si j’irais jusqu’à torturer le criminel pendant sept jours, mais cette personne serait définitivement en danger si je lui mettais la main au collet dans cet état d’esprit. Je ne suis même pas parent, et je ressens déjà cette soif de vengeance à l’idée qu’on puisse faire quelque chose comme ça un enfant. La pédophilie est un geste que je ne pourrai jamais pardonner.

Les gens ayant de fortes croyances religieuses diront : "two wrongs don’t make a right". D’autres diront qu’ils ne croient pas dans la violence, peu importe le contexte. Pour ma part, les choses ne sont pas aussi définitives. Ceux que j’aime sont plus précieux pour moi que ma propre existence. Compte tenu de cela, je pourrais facilement devenir quelqu’un qui n’a plus rien à perdre. Mais, bon, j’aimerais mieux ne jamais avoir à le vivre.

Selon moi, "Les sept jours du Talion" est un film à voir, pour ceux qui ont le coeur solide. Les scènes de torture sont dures, parfois presque insoutenables. Toutefois, ce n’est pas gratuit, c’est dans le contexte. Le silence a une place importante dans ce film, comme quoi tout disparaît autour de nous quand des drames surviennent. Le questionnement quant à la ligne à tracer entre le bien et le mal est intéressant et peut susciter des discussions passionnées.

Si vous avez vu le film, vous pouvez me laisser vos commentaires. Si vous ne l’avez pas vu mais que vous avez une opinion sur le sujet, n’hésitez pas non plus.