Do not let the title of this post worry you, folks, I am not about to break into song and start paying tribute to The New Kids on the Block by giving my own rendition of "Step by Step". I have not sunk that low yet in the depths of insanity.
This is a small post to give my peeps an update on my situation. As you all know by now, if you have been reading my blog, I am trying to attain a certain proper balance in my consumption habits. Wether it is food or alcohol, I want to be able, in the short term, to be more reasonable. I will not quit drinking altogether and discover Jesus in the process, that would not be me, but I want to have healthier habits, that is for certain.
Last weekend, I moved on to the second step of my three steps program. Forget the twelve steps process, this thing is adapted for me. All through last weekend, there were opportunities to have a few drinks, and I took them. But, each time, I put on the breaks early and stopped before even getting inebriated.
I am quite proud of myself. I know that a lot of people in my entourage thought that the absolute sobriety thing would last longer than a month, but I felt the effect it had on me wasn’t what I needed at this time. I always felt like I was punishing myself by refusing even the slightest of contact with my good old friend. I felt that I needed to trust myself one more time before absolutely giving up drinking.
So, on these occasions, over the weekend, I took a small dip. I am quite proud of the fact that I was able to stop before getting drunk. It is the same feeling I get when I pull away from the table before getting that feeling of fullness in my stomach. We all know that, by the time we feel full, we have eaten too much food. There was more booze available, and I didn’t partake. I was offered more and said no. That’s a huge step for a guy who wouldn’t stop until passing out, sometimes.
Considering the success I have had with the second step, I am moving on to the third and final one. The trick now is to take a little dip once in a while, but not too often. I will spend the next two weekend having fun and visiting stuff with my lovely wife. Those are times when I usually don’t indulge in the spirits, and I will make sure it stays that way. Then, I’ll try to keep it for special occasions, not whenever I feel like it. It also goes without saying that the amounts consumed each time will have to be reasonable.
So, I am continuing on this journey to a healthier me. Have a thought for me, my friends. It won’t be easy, but I want to do it. It has to work, or I’ll have to quit it all cold turkey, and that would suck. So, cheers, peeps, and have a good day!
jeudi 22 juillet 2010
dimanche 11 juillet 2010
28 days later
I haven’t updated my blog very much lately; I hope you people that were following me before didn’t totally forget about this site by now. To be honest, I don’t feel inspired to do very much these days. I thought quitting alcohol for a while would give me a boost in energy, but it has had the opposite effect. Even on the weekends, by the time midnight comes around, my body and my spirit gives up on me and asks for sleep. I think my whole system finds my new lifestyle so boring, so it just gives up and wants to go to bed.
Yes, it has been 28 days since I had my last drink. I have had a few drinking hiatus over the last few years, but this one has been the hardest ever. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to put all of this pressure on myself by telling everybody around me I was doing it. My intentions were good, I wanted to tough it out. After 28 days, the main thought in my head still is: when will I stop putting myself through this?
I still want to hang on to this sobriety thing, at least for a while. I want to clean out my system and give myself a head start with the weight loss thing. I will drink eventually; I just want to be able to do it responsibly.
I sincerely thought that I wouldn’t miss it that much. I was told that, after 28 days, it would all get better. It is not. I do not want to drink all the time, but, in certain occasions, it sucks to have to say: Nah, I don’t drink. There has to be a place right in between binging and staying absolutely sober. I want to find that place. Have a few drinks in good company, on the right occasions, not emptying bottles every weekend. That is something I want to accomplish for myself. I know I can do it. I will do it.
As for now, I will give myself some more time before I touch it again. I’ll keep you posted on this and other subjects.
Yes, it has been 28 days since I had my last drink. I have had a few drinking hiatus over the last few years, but this one has been the hardest ever. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to put all of this pressure on myself by telling everybody around me I was doing it. My intentions were good, I wanted to tough it out. After 28 days, the main thought in my head still is: when will I stop putting myself through this?
I still want to hang on to this sobriety thing, at least for a while. I want to clean out my system and give myself a head start with the weight loss thing. I will drink eventually; I just want to be able to do it responsibly.
I sincerely thought that I wouldn’t miss it that much. I was told that, after 28 days, it would all get better. It is not. I do not want to drink all the time, but, in certain occasions, it sucks to have to say: Nah, I don’t drink. There has to be a place right in between binging and staying absolutely sober. I want to find that place. Have a few drinks in good company, on the right occasions, not emptying bottles every weekend. That is something I want to accomplish for myself. I know I can do it. I will do it.
As for now, I will give myself some more time before I touch it again. I’ll keep you posted on this and other subjects.
dimanche 20 juin 2010
La fête des pères
Ce serait mentir que de vous dire que la fête des pères 2010 n’a pas un goût amer pour moi. J’étais convaincu que, à ce moment-ci de ma vie, je serai l’heureux papa de mon ange d’Ukraine, Il semble que la vie ne l’a pas voulu ainsi, et j’essaie tant bien que mal de faire le deuil de tout ça.
Cela dit, je veux profiter de l’occasion aujourd’hui pour saluer une personne extrêmement spéciale dans ma vie. Si jamais je devais devenir père un jour, j’espère que je serai à la hauteur du père que j’ai.
Mon père et moi nous ressemblons beaucoup physiquement. Sa paternité ne peut être mise en doute dans ce cas-ci. Je partage aussi avec lui un grand sens de l’humour, l’amour des femmes et le goût pour la bonne bouffe.
Mais, nous avons aussi nos grandes différences. Mon père est un homme fort, solide et respecté; un homme d’affaires, un homme de tête. Il est un homme de convictions, convaincu et convaincant. Je suis un homme de mots et de cœur. Un homme d’incertitude et de doute. Je suis un artiste dans l’âme, avec tout ce que cela peut comporter.
Cela dit, nous nous rejoignons au milieu. Je respecte et j’aime mon père. Il m’a inculqué le respect, la générosité et l’amour, et je lui suis reconnaissant d’avoir été un aussi bon père. C’est un homme qui donnerait sa chemise pour aider son prochain. Avec le temps, il est aussi devenu un ami et un allié, ce que j’apprécie grandement aussi. Si jamais je devenais un jour la moitié de l’homme qu’il est, je saurai alors que j’aurai accompli de grandes choses.
Bonne fête des pères papa! Bonne fête à tous ceux qui ont la chance d’être père et une pensée pour tous ceux qui, comme moi, rêvent de le devenir.
Cela dit, je veux profiter de l’occasion aujourd’hui pour saluer une personne extrêmement spéciale dans ma vie. Si jamais je devais devenir père un jour, j’espère que je serai à la hauteur du père que j’ai.
Mon père et moi nous ressemblons beaucoup physiquement. Sa paternité ne peut être mise en doute dans ce cas-ci. Je partage aussi avec lui un grand sens de l’humour, l’amour des femmes et le goût pour la bonne bouffe.
Mais, nous avons aussi nos grandes différences. Mon père est un homme fort, solide et respecté; un homme d’affaires, un homme de tête. Il est un homme de convictions, convaincu et convaincant. Je suis un homme de mots et de cœur. Un homme d’incertitude et de doute. Je suis un artiste dans l’âme, avec tout ce que cela peut comporter.
Cela dit, nous nous rejoignons au milieu. Je respecte et j’aime mon père. Il m’a inculqué le respect, la générosité et l’amour, et je lui suis reconnaissant d’avoir été un aussi bon père. C’est un homme qui donnerait sa chemise pour aider son prochain. Avec le temps, il est aussi devenu un ami et un allié, ce que j’apprécie grandement aussi. Si jamais je devenais un jour la moitié de l’homme qu’il est, je saurai alors que j’aurai accompli de grandes choses.
Bonne fête des pères papa! Bonne fête à tous ceux qui ont la chance d’être père et une pensée pour tous ceux qui, comme moi, rêvent de le devenir.
samedi 12 juin 2010
Goodbye old friend
As I sit alone at home on this Saturday afternoon of June 2010, I now realize that it is definitely time for me to turn a new page in my life, to start a new chapter so to speak. The idea has been forming slowly in my mind and in my soul for the last week or so, but I now know for sure that it is time for me to say goodbye to a very old friend of mine.
Dear old friend, we do go back a long way. You have been in my life, in one form or another, for the past 15 years. I have come to you in the past for various reasons. Comfort, relaxation, numbness, pleasure...and sometimes, it was simply a social occasion where you did just fit right in. It has been great. You haven’t been as rough on me as you have been on so many others. We’ve had tons of laughter, not too many tears.
Unfortunately, as of late, I have come to realize that I rely on you too much to get me through tough times. You have become somewhat of a crutch. I don’t want that. I don’t want to become a total shell of my former self. And, I must say, your benefits have kind of waned. All you seem to leave behind you when you leave now are bad unhealthy feelings.
So, today, it seems apparent to me that we must part ways. Our paths might cross again in the future, and hopefully I will be a better man then, one that will be able to let you into my life on occasion and not go overboard. For now, I will stay away and build myself back up. It is clear to me that you can’t be part of my road to recovery. We may see each other on the outside, and I am OK with that. Just know that I can be strong and I will.
Today, I can still your presence in my home. It is slowly fading though. And, when this day turns into night, and I go to sleep, I know that tomorrow will me that first day of the rest of my life. One more evening together, and then I’ll show you to the door.
So, goodbye old friend, goodbye to you moist mistress. Goodbye to you, sweet bottle.
Dear old friend, we do go back a long way. You have been in my life, in one form or another, for the past 15 years. I have come to you in the past for various reasons. Comfort, relaxation, numbness, pleasure...and sometimes, it was simply a social occasion where you did just fit right in. It has been great. You haven’t been as rough on me as you have been on so many others. We’ve had tons of laughter, not too many tears.
Unfortunately, as of late, I have come to realize that I rely on you too much to get me through tough times. You have become somewhat of a crutch. I don’t want that. I don’t want to become a total shell of my former self. And, I must say, your benefits have kind of waned. All you seem to leave behind you when you leave now are bad unhealthy feelings.
So, today, it seems apparent to me that we must part ways. Our paths might cross again in the future, and hopefully I will be a better man then, one that will be able to let you into my life on occasion and not go overboard. For now, I will stay away and build myself back up. It is clear to me that you can’t be part of my road to recovery. We may see each other on the outside, and I am OK with that. Just know that I can be strong and I will.
Today, I can still your presence in my home. It is slowly fading though. And, when this day turns into night, and I go to sleep, I know that tomorrow will me that first day of the rest of my life. One more evening together, and then I’ll show you to the door.
So, goodbye old friend, goodbye to you moist mistress. Goodbye to you, sweet bottle.
dimanche 30 mai 2010
La paternité
En lisant le blogue de ma femme, je me suis dit qu’il serait peut-être temps pour moi aussi d’aborder un certain sujet difficile : le fait que je n’ai pas d’enfant et que j’en n’aurai peut-être jamais.
Au fil du temps, j’ai vécu toute cette affaire plus intérieurement. Ma femme, de par sa nature plus volubile que la mienne, a beaucoup verbalisé ses émotions par rapport à tout cela. Son approche était probablement la meilleure à bien y penser. De mon bord, j’ai beaucoup ruminé des sentiments divers, pas toujours très jolis.
Pendant tellement longtemps, je n’ai pas voulu d’enfant. Je craignais toujours l’idée de voir ma progéniture en face. Voir un enfant qui me ressemble vivre ce que j’ai vécu, voilà une idée qui ne me plaisant pas du tout. De plus, je ne me pensais pas tellement apte à devenir père. Je ne suis pas un leader, je ne voulais pas manquer mon coup.
Quand Chantal est entrée dans ma vie, elle a tôt fait de me parler de son désir d’adopter un enfant. C’était clair dans sa tête, elle ne voulait pas être enceinte. Je n’y voyais pas de problème et je n’en vois pas encore aujourd’hui. L’idée de l’adoption était donc semée dans mon esprit, il ne me restait qu’à me faire une idée plus finale sur le sujet. Un jour, il m’est apparu clair que je voulais être papa : je voulais donner le meilleur de moi-même, aux côtés de ma femme, pour élever un enfant dans l’amour.
J’ai annoncé ma décision à ma femme lors d’un souper au resto. Elle a été emballée et le projet d’adoption en Ukraine a pris son envol au cours des mois qui ont suivi. Ma femme a parlé de ce processus sur un autre blogue, donc je ne reviendrai pas sur le sujet.
Quand notre projet d’adoption en Ukraine est mort, nous l’avons pris très dur. Ma femme l’a vécu très extérieurement. Moi, c’était le contraire. Je n’ai rien dit. J’ai tenté d’être là pour ma femme, du mieux que j’ai pu. J’espère avoir été à la hauteur, et j’essaie encore de l’être. Ma femme est réellement ce que j’ai de plus précieux, et je partage sa peine à part entière. Cet ange d’Ukraine était notre rêve commun, ce sur quoi on avait mis toutes nos énergies.
Je l’ai vraiment vécu comme une grossesse qui se termine en fausse couche. Dans ces cas-là, on oublie souvent le papa. Bien souvent, celui-ci n’extériorise peut-être pas assez. C’était le cas avec moi. J’ai pleuré mon ange perdu en silence. Le soir, après que ma femme trouvait le sommeil, je me voyais souvent incapable de dormir, pris dans mes pensées. Les fins de semaine, j’en venais à m’engourdir avec la bouffe et l’alcool pour oublier tout cela. Je m’étais tellement dit que la paternité ferait de moi un meilleur homme. Ce serait terminé cette vie d’excès. Devant ce rêve brisé, c’est comme si je prenais ma revanche en fonçant à toute vitesse vers le pôle opposé à mes bonnes intentions.
Je n’en suis pas fier, ce n’est franchement pas la solution. Mais, à très court terme, l’ivresse engourdissait la douleur. Pourtant, ma vie était loin d’être vide. J’ai une femme qui m’aime et que j’aime plus que tout. J’ai des amis et une famille élargie qui sont là pour moi. Cela dit, cet ange envolé que je ne prendrais jamais dans mes bras ne sortait pas de ma tête et de mon cœur. Un vide avait été créé en moi, et je me demandais comment le combler.
Il y avait un autre sentiment que je ressentais, et je me sentais coupable de me sentir ainsi. Plusieurs personnes dans mon entourage devenaient parents. Malgré le fait que j’étais content pour eux, j’étais aussi envieux. Je trouve ça tellement laid comme sentiment, mais je ne pouvais pas le retenir pleinement. Je les jalousais en silence.
Maintenant, il y a le dossier d’adoption au Nouveau-Brunswick, mais il est fort probable que cela ne mènera à rien, compte tenu des circonstances. Suis-je en paix avec tout cela? Non. Tout comme ma femme, plein de questions et de commentaires d’autrui me ramènent à ces pensées qui me font mal. J’essaie de mon mieux de combler ce vide en moi, de la façon la plus constructive possible. J’ai ma femme à mes côtés, l’amour de ma vie. Cet amour est fort et solide. On s’épaule l’un et l’autre de notre mieux dans nos combats respectifs et commun. On gâte les enfants des autres. Ce n’est pas la même chose, mais la présence de n’importe quel enfant enrichit une vie. Pour le reste, j’essaie de faire mon deuil. Qui vivra verra…
Au fil du temps, j’ai vécu toute cette affaire plus intérieurement. Ma femme, de par sa nature plus volubile que la mienne, a beaucoup verbalisé ses émotions par rapport à tout cela. Son approche était probablement la meilleure à bien y penser. De mon bord, j’ai beaucoup ruminé des sentiments divers, pas toujours très jolis.
Pendant tellement longtemps, je n’ai pas voulu d’enfant. Je craignais toujours l’idée de voir ma progéniture en face. Voir un enfant qui me ressemble vivre ce que j’ai vécu, voilà une idée qui ne me plaisant pas du tout. De plus, je ne me pensais pas tellement apte à devenir père. Je ne suis pas un leader, je ne voulais pas manquer mon coup.
Quand Chantal est entrée dans ma vie, elle a tôt fait de me parler de son désir d’adopter un enfant. C’était clair dans sa tête, elle ne voulait pas être enceinte. Je n’y voyais pas de problème et je n’en vois pas encore aujourd’hui. L’idée de l’adoption était donc semée dans mon esprit, il ne me restait qu’à me faire une idée plus finale sur le sujet. Un jour, il m’est apparu clair que je voulais être papa : je voulais donner le meilleur de moi-même, aux côtés de ma femme, pour élever un enfant dans l’amour.
J’ai annoncé ma décision à ma femme lors d’un souper au resto. Elle a été emballée et le projet d’adoption en Ukraine a pris son envol au cours des mois qui ont suivi. Ma femme a parlé de ce processus sur un autre blogue, donc je ne reviendrai pas sur le sujet.
Quand notre projet d’adoption en Ukraine est mort, nous l’avons pris très dur. Ma femme l’a vécu très extérieurement. Moi, c’était le contraire. Je n’ai rien dit. J’ai tenté d’être là pour ma femme, du mieux que j’ai pu. J’espère avoir été à la hauteur, et j’essaie encore de l’être. Ma femme est réellement ce que j’ai de plus précieux, et je partage sa peine à part entière. Cet ange d’Ukraine était notre rêve commun, ce sur quoi on avait mis toutes nos énergies.
Je l’ai vraiment vécu comme une grossesse qui se termine en fausse couche. Dans ces cas-là, on oublie souvent le papa. Bien souvent, celui-ci n’extériorise peut-être pas assez. C’était le cas avec moi. J’ai pleuré mon ange perdu en silence. Le soir, après que ma femme trouvait le sommeil, je me voyais souvent incapable de dormir, pris dans mes pensées. Les fins de semaine, j’en venais à m’engourdir avec la bouffe et l’alcool pour oublier tout cela. Je m’étais tellement dit que la paternité ferait de moi un meilleur homme. Ce serait terminé cette vie d’excès. Devant ce rêve brisé, c’est comme si je prenais ma revanche en fonçant à toute vitesse vers le pôle opposé à mes bonnes intentions.
Je n’en suis pas fier, ce n’est franchement pas la solution. Mais, à très court terme, l’ivresse engourdissait la douleur. Pourtant, ma vie était loin d’être vide. J’ai une femme qui m’aime et que j’aime plus que tout. J’ai des amis et une famille élargie qui sont là pour moi. Cela dit, cet ange envolé que je ne prendrais jamais dans mes bras ne sortait pas de ma tête et de mon cœur. Un vide avait été créé en moi, et je me demandais comment le combler.
Il y avait un autre sentiment que je ressentais, et je me sentais coupable de me sentir ainsi. Plusieurs personnes dans mon entourage devenaient parents. Malgré le fait que j’étais content pour eux, j’étais aussi envieux. Je trouve ça tellement laid comme sentiment, mais je ne pouvais pas le retenir pleinement. Je les jalousais en silence.
Maintenant, il y a le dossier d’adoption au Nouveau-Brunswick, mais il est fort probable que cela ne mènera à rien, compte tenu des circonstances. Suis-je en paix avec tout cela? Non. Tout comme ma femme, plein de questions et de commentaires d’autrui me ramènent à ces pensées qui me font mal. J’essaie de mon mieux de combler ce vide en moi, de la façon la plus constructive possible. J’ai ma femme à mes côtés, l’amour de ma vie. Cet amour est fort et solide. On s’épaule l’un et l’autre de notre mieux dans nos combats respectifs et commun. On gâte les enfants des autres. Ce n’est pas la même chose, mais la présence de n’importe quel enfant enrichit une vie. Pour le reste, j’essaie de faire mon deuil. Qui vivra verra…
vendredi 28 mai 2010
Favorite comics, part 1
In the previous message, I was talking about my particular sense of humour. I love to joke around and I have always loved doing that. Where does it come from? I’m not sure. My father does love a good joke, my mom too. Sure, their sensibilities are different than mine. Some of the stuff I find hilarious, they think it is just plain disgusting and wrong. Well, different generations, different ideas.
Today, I thought I would talk about the comedians I have come to admire or appreciate over the years. Here are just a few of those who shaped my wit and my humour. This is a very brief list. So many names could also be added. But, here is a few of them, with some quotes from their material that I particularly like.
George Carlin - Without a doubt, the king of stand-up comedy for me. The guy was pure genius. He left us a few years ago, but he will be forever remembered:
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."
Bill Hicks - This is another comic genius that I discovered, unfortunately, much too late. He died very young, but he left us a great deal of funny material:
"You never see a positive drug story on the news. They always have the same LSD story. You've all seen it: "Today a young man on acid...thought he could fly...jumped out of a building...what a tragedy!" What a dick. He's an idiot. If he thought he could fly why didn't he take off from the ground first? Check it out? You don't see geese lined up to catch elevators to fly south; they fly from the fucking ground. He's an idiot. He's dead. Good! We lost a moron? Fucking celebrate. There's one less moron in the world."
"Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health nut. The plot thickens. You remember Jim Fixx? This human cipher used to write books on jogging. Now, what do you fucking write about jogging? "Right foot, left foot, faster, faster, oh hell, I dunno, go home, shower." Pretty much covers the jogging experience, I do believe. Then this doofus goes out and has a heart attack and dies … while jogging. There is a God. "Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.""
"… We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. Goddammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house."
Sam Kinison - Ah, the wild man of comedy. Also left us way too early:
"This man had to be Captain Kangaroo for over thirty FUCKING YEARS! No scandal, no controversy, drank a lot. You would too. I don't think he knew the show was going to go thirty fucking years. "Goddamn it, I'm fucking Captain Kangaroo. Thought the fucking gig would last two or three years, I didn't think I'd spend my whole fucking life as Captain Kangaroo! I was an actor, I was in the Actor's Studio, I wanted to do Death of a Salesman, I wanted to play Willy. My God, I'm Captain KANGAROO!" "
"You want to help world hunger? Stop sending them food. Don't send them another bite, send them U-Hauls. Send them a guy that says, "You know, we've been coming here giving you food for about 35 years now and we were driving through the desert, and we realized there wouldn't BE world hunger if you people would live where the FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A DESERT!! UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT!! NOTHING GROWS HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW HERE! Come here, you see this? This is sand. You know what it's gonna be 100 years from now? IT'S GONNA BE SAND!! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! We have deserts in America, we just don't live in them, assholes!""
"There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!""
Dave Attell - Someone I just discovered, he’s very funny:
"People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C’mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me "Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?" I’m like, I’m just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says ‘One Cock at a Time.’""
"Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you fucked a pirate."
"Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.""
"Some people are against porno movies. And I say hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran: I say, hey - whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business."
Doug Stanhope - Not necessarily one of the greats, but I give him kudos for surprising me. I don’t shock easily. I won’t share his most shocking stuff here, just my faves from his material:
"I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the HIV. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse."
"Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist."
"Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar."
"If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young. [...] Everytime an artist dies young- Kurt Cobain, or whatever, there's always the people "It's so sad, he had so much more to give." — How do you know? Maybe he was out of shit. How do you know? He's done. He got all the money, he did all the drugs, he fucked all your holes. And that's the American Dream, and when you're done with that you go "Oh, that's why they call it a dream. — It's bullshit, I'm still empty." And he cashed out. How do you what any artist had left? How do you know if Jimi Hendrix hadn't had died he wouldn't have wound up doing Superbowl half-time duets with Elton John right now?"
"I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry""
These are just a few, I will come back with more at a later time. Hope you enjoy. If you share my sense of humour, look up those comics. You won’t regret it.
Today, I thought I would talk about the comedians I have come to admire or appreciate over the years. Here are just a few of those who shaped my wit and my humour. This is a very brief list. So many names could also be added. But, here is a few of them, with some quotes from their material that I particularly like.
George Carlin - Without a doubt, the king of stand-up comedy for me. The guy was pure genius. He left us a few years ago, but he will be forever remembered:
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."
Bill Hicks - This is another comic genius that I discovered, unfortunately, much too late. He died very young, but he left us a great deal of funny material:
"You never see a positive drug story on the news. They always have the same LSD story. You've all seen it: "Today a young man on acid...thought he could fly...jumped out of a building...what a tragedy!" What a dick. He's an idiot. If he thought he could fly why didn't he take off from the ground first? Check it out? You don't see geese lined up to catch elevators to fly south; they fly from the fucking ground. He's an idiot. He's dead. Good! We lost a moron? Fucking celebrate. There's one less moron in the world."
"Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health nut. The plot thickens. You remember Jim Fixx? This human cipher used to write books on jogging. Now, what do you fucking write about jogging? "Right foot, left foot, faster, faster, oh hell, I dunno, go home, shower." Pretty much covers the jogging experience, I do believe. Then this doofus goes out and has a heart attack and dies … while jogging. There is a God. "Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.""
"… We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. Goddammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house."
Sam Kinison - Ah, the wild man of comedy. Also left us way too early:
"This man had to be Captain Kangaroo for over thirty FUCKING YEARS! No scandal, no controversy, drank a lot. You would too. I don't think he knew the show was going to go thirty fucking years. "Goddamn it, I'm fucking Captain Kangaroo. Thought the fucking gig would last two or three years, I didn't think I'd spend my whole fucking life as Captain Kangaroo! I was an actor, I was in the Actor's Studio, I wanted to do Death of a Salesman, I wanted to play Willy. My God, I'm Captain KANGAROO!" "
"You want to help world hunger? Stop sending them food. Don't send them another bite, send them U-Hauls. Send them a guy that says, "You know, we've been coming here giving you food for about 35 years now and we were driving through the desert, and we realized there wouldn't BE world hunger if you people would live where the FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A DESERT!! UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT!! NOTHING GROWS HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW HERE! Come here, you see this? This is sand. You know what it's gonna be 100 years from now? IT'S GONNA BE SAND!! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! We have deserts in America, we just don't live in them, assholes!""
"There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!""
Dave Attell - Someone I just discovered, he’s very funny:
"People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C’mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me "Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?" I’m like, I’m just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says ‘One Cock at a Time.’""
"Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you fucked a pirate."
"Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.""
"Some people are against porno movies. And I say hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran: I say, hey - whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business."
Doug Stanhope - Not necessarily one of the greats, but I give him kudos for surprising me. I don’t shock easily. I won’t share his most shocking stuff here, just my faves from his material:
"I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the HIV. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse."
"Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist."
"Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar."
"If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young. [...] Everytime an artist dies young- Kurt Cobain, or whatever, there's always the people "It's so sad, he had so much more to give." — How do you know? Maybe he was out of shit. How do you know? He's done. He got all the money, he did all the drugs, he fucked all your holes. And that's the American Dream, and when you're done with that you go "Oh, that's why they call it a dream. — It's bullshit, I'm still empty." And he cashed out. How do you what any artist had left? How do you know if Jimi Hendrix hadn't had died he wouldn't have wound up doing Superbowl half-time duets with Elton John right now?"
"I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry""
These are just a few, I will come back with more at a later time. Hope you enjoy. If you share my sense of humour, look up those comics. You won’t regret it.
lundi 24 mai 2010
The return of the non-dangerous perv
I haven’t had the chance to write on my blog over the last little while. Why? I’m not exactly sure. I may be short on inspiration these days. I think that it can also be explained by the fact that I spend so much time in my daily life restraining my true self that I’m not used to really expressing my thoughts anymore.
Those who really know me know that I have a special sense of humour. I come from the George Carlin school of thought. I believe that you can joke about pretty much anything if you construct the joke well. One thing is clear: I do not believe in censorship. When it comes to dirty thoughts, I’m a champ. I love women, I love sex and I love to joke about everything surrounding those subjects. It doesn’t make me a dangerous man. I would never assault or force myself upon anyone: I just love talking about this so beautiful subject. I’m a non-dangerous perv.
Unfortunately, in my daily life, I run into a lot of prudes. People with no sense of humour at all. People that cannot laugh at themselves and at everything around us. Some people take things a little too seriously. When a joke is too spicy, raunchy or whatever, they groan as if they were the fruit on the second immaculate conception in history. Look, folks and folksettes, we’re all here because two human beings somewhere decided to get laid. It got done in different situations and in various ways, but it is one of life’s guarantees. It was probably a case where your dad asked to get some, and he got lucky when your mom finally gave him a slice of pie. Sure, not a pretty thought, but the reality.
Also, we are all born with the same parts. They come in different shapes and proportions, but they are all the same pieces of equipment. They are made to connect, so get over yourselves. Why should a thing so beautiful as sex be taboo? From birth, we are taught that the human body is dirty and that it should be hidden. We are taught what we shouldn’t talk about. Barriers by the ton from the beginning.
I try to be respectful of other people’s sensibilities, but I just don’t understand, In the meantime, I try to restrain myself when I’m not sure about the audience. Some of you have seen me let loose on Facebook sometimes, but I’m still careful there. When I’m surrounded by people who can take it, I finally can be myself, I thank those of you who don’t take everything I say so seriously as to get offended. Your presence in my life is truly a blessing.
Those who really know me know that I have a special sense of humour. I come from the George Carlin school of thought. I believe that you can joke about pretty much anything if you construct the joke well. One thing is clear: I do not believe in censorship. When it comes to dirty thoughts, I’m a champ. I love women, I love sex and I love to joke about everything surrounding those subjects. It doesn’t make me a dangerous man. I would never assault or force myself upon anyone: I just love talking about this so beautiful subject. I’m a non-dangerous perv.
Unfortunately, in my daily life, I run into a lot of prudes. People with no sense of humour at all. People that cannot laugh at themselves and at everything around us. Some people take things a little too seriously. When a joke is too spicy, raunchy or whatever, they groan as if they were the fruit on the second immaculate conception in history. Look, folks and folksettes, we’re all here because two human beings somewhere decided to get laid. It got done in different situations and in various ways, but it is one of life’s guarantees. It was probably a case where your dad asked to get some, and he got lucky when your mom finally gave him a slice of pie. Sure, not a pretty thought, but the reality.
Also, we are all born with the same parts. They come in different shapes and proportions, but they are all the same pieces of equipment. They are made to connect, so get over yourselves. Why should a thing so beautiful as sex be taboo? From birth, we are taught that the human body is dirty and that it should be hidden. We are taught what we shouldn’t talk about. Barriers by the ton from the beginning.
I try to be respectful of other people’s sensibilities, but I just don’t understand, In the meantime, I try to restrain myself when I’m not sure about the audience. Some of you have seen me let loose on Facebook sometimes, but I’m still careful there. When I’m surrounded by people who can take it, I finally can be myself, I thank those of you who don’t take everything I say so seriously as to get offended. Your presence in my life is truly a blessing.
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