What do you think happens when the soul of a clown and the soul of a poet live together in one human being? Do they live in harmony? Well, while they don’t necessarily fight each other, they wage their own internal wars in opposite corners.

Having that duality within one man, it is a double whammy, folks. Most people wear some sort of mask on a daily basis. That is why when someone asks us “how are you?”, we automatically come back with something like “Fine, and you?”. We don’t really want to share how we feel and we don’t want to know how the other person is doing. That’s OK, though, the person who asked us the question in the first place doesn’t really want to know either.

Well, imagine two masks on one man: words dripping with alcohol and tears buried in laughter. Here it is: the beast that is me.

In this blog, I will share thoughts on my life, on the movies I love, on the music I appreciate and on many other things. Some of it will be in English and some in French, all depending on how the thoughts organize themselves in my head at that specific moment. There will be a little bit of everything. My sense of humour might shock some, so let all of you be forewarned. This is my space and it will fit my reality. If you get offended easily, you might want to look elsewhere.

Having said all of this now, all that is left to do is to officially welcome you to the blog of the clowning poet. Hope you enjoy your visits into my universe.

lundi 20 septembre 2010

Estranged

Hello, folks. I haven’t been around here in a while. Between work, vacationing in Montreal and Ottawa (it was fun seeing friends and family), and a little bit of leisure, I did not take much time to organize my thoughts and put them down here. I will try to get to it more often in the weeks to come.

Last weekend, I watched the movie "Taxi Driver" once again, after buying it on DVD. I have seen it a few times before and I will probably see it time and time again until I kick the proverbial bucket down the line. It remains one of my favourite films of all time.

This time around, though, different thoughts have occurred to me while I was watching. It is kind of weird, but I started feeling some compassion for the character played by Robert De Niro, Travis Bickle. It was as if I could see a little of myself in his feeling of alienation from society. Then, it brought me back to my reading of Albert Camus’ book, L’Étranger (The Stranger),a book with a main character sharing that same feeling of being estranged from the rest of the world.

Wether it is with family, co-workers or complete strangers, I often feel alone in my little world. I start feeling like nobody really cares anyways and I pull back; I go back into my thoughts and share as little as possible about it. Even within my own family, I sometimes feel like I don’t belong there, like I am at odds with everyone else, like I don’t relate, like they don’t understand. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family very much, I just feel like I am too different. My wife fits much better within their group. She is such a sociable person anyways, she is outwardly, outspoken and extroverted. Not me. With her family? Forget about it. I feel even more like an alien. I love them, I like to think they love me...I am just on a different beat. At work, it is pretty much the same. I do not fit within the group, I do not blend in.

Now, unlike Travis Bickle and unlike the main character in Camus’ book, I am not a violent person. In moments of frustration, certain images can pop up in my head. But, I would never act upon it. Sometimes, I could be talking to someone I don’t particularly like or someone who bores me. I look like I am listening intently, but, in my head, I am thinking stuff like: From here, I could punch that person’s lights out right now. I would never do it, I don’t even say anything nasty. After all, as alienated as I may feel from the rest of the world, I don’t like hurting other people or hurting their feelings. So, I just breathe and calm myself down.

That being said, you all may think I am weird. So be it. I feel so alone sometimes in my thoughts, but I don’t feel like living a lie. So, here it is: a little part of me, an outsider in this world where we would like everyone to fit in nicely, like little pieces in a puzzle. I am sorry to say I am a bizarrely shaped piece who only fits in his wife’s heart. She loves me and saves me daily, and that is all that matters to me. She thinks I am beautiful. I don’t see it for myself, but who am I to argue anyways. She is the beholder, I will do my best to find that beauty of mine in her eyes and go on with my life.

Cheers and later, folks.

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