Favorite comics, part 1

In the previous message, I was talking about my particular sense of humour. I love to joke around and I have always loved doing that. Where does it come from? I’m not sure. My father does love a good joke, my mom too. Sure, their sensibilities are different than mine. Some of the stuff I find hilarious, they think it is just plain disgusting and wrong. Well, different generations, different ideas.

Today, I thought I would talk about the comedians I have come to admire or appreciate over the years. Here are just a few of those who shaped my wit and my humour. This is a very brief list. So many names could also be added. But, here is a few of them, with some quotes from their material that I particularly like.

George Carlin - Without a doubt, the king of stand-up comedy for me. The guy was pure genius. He left us a few years ago, but he will be forever remembered:
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."

Bill Hicks - This is another comic genius that I discovered, unfortunately, much too late. He died very young, but he left us a great deal of funny material:
"You never see a positive drug story on the news. They always have the same LSD story. You've all seen it: "Today a young man on acid...thought he could fly...jumped out of a building...what a tragedy!" What a dick. He's an idiot. If he thought he could fly why didn't he take off from the ground first? Check it out? You don't see geese lined up to catch elevators to fly south; they fly from the fucking ground. He's an idiot. He's dead. Good! We lost a moron? Fucking celebrate. There's one less moron in the world."
"Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health nut. The plot thickens. You remember Jim Fixx? This human cipher used to write books on jogging. Now, what do you fucking write about jogging? "Right foot, left foot, faster, faster, oh hell, I dunno, go home, shower." Pretty much covers the jogging experience, I do believe. Then this doofus goes out and has a heart attack and dies … while jogging. There is a God. "Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.""
"… We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. Goddammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house."

Sam Kinison - Ah, the wild man of comedy. Also left us way too early:
"This man had to be Captain Kangaroo for over thirty FUCKING YEARS! No scandal, no controversy, drank a lot. You would too. I don't think he knew the show was going to go thirty fucking years. "Goddamn it, I'm fucking Captain Kangaroo. Thought the fucking gig would last two or three years, I didn't think I'd spend my whole fucking life as Captain Kangaroo! I was an actor, I was in the Actor's Studio, I wanted to do Death of a Salesman, I wanted to play Willy. My God, I'm Captain KANGAROO!" "
"You want to help world hunger? Stop sending them food. Don't send them another bite, send them U-Hauls. Send them a guy that says, "You know, we've been coming here giving you food for about 35 years now and we were driving through the desert, and we realized there wouldn't BE world hunger if you people would live where the FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A DESERT!! UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT!! NOTHING GROWS HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW HERE! Come here, you see this? This is sand. You know what it's gonna be 100 years from now? IT'S GONNA BE SAND!! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! We have deserts in America, we just don't live in them, assholes!""
"There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!""

Dave Attell - Someone I just discovered, he’s very funny:
"People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C’mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me "Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?" I’m like, I’m just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says ‘One Cock at a Time.’""
"Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you fucked a pirate."
"Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.""
"Some people are against porno movies. And I say hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran: I say, hey - whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business."

Doug Stanhope - Not necessarily one of the greats, but I give him kudos for surprising me. I don’t shock easily. I won’t share his most shocking stuff here, just my faves from his material:
"I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the HIV. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse."
"Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist."
"Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar."
"If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young. [...] Everytime an artist dies young- Kurt Cobain, or whatever, there's always the people "It's so sad, he had so much more to give." — How do you know? Maybe he was out of shit. How do you know? He's done. He got all the money, he did all the drugs, he fucked all your holes. And that's the American Dream, and when you're done with that you go "Oh, that's why they call it a dream. — It's bullshit, I'm still empty." And he cashed out. How do you what any artist had left? How do you know if Jimi Hendrix hadn't had died he wouldn't have wound up doing Superbowl half-time duets with Elton John right now?"
"I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry""

These are just a few, I will come back with more at a later time. Hope you enjoy. If you share my sense of humour, look up those comics. You won’t regret it.